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haven't updated in a while. it's been a long few months. my parents decided to move to Connecticut and I moved in with them. they don't know I'm pregnant.
I need to find a job. I need to decide whether or not I'm keeping this baby.
my roommate wants to move out. she didn't say specifically why but I think it's because she's sick of dealing with me

so basically the only two people I'm actually close to both walk out of my life in the span of about a week.

I quit.
I spent some time with Chris yesterday. I had to tell him that I'm pregnant and what better way than to casually bring it up in conversation? we went over to his apartment and I told him. he didn't even seem that shocked which kind of bothered me. right when I was about to ask him what he'd like to do with it (abortion, adoption, or keep it) he laughed and said "so whose is it?" I'm pretty sure he was kidding. in fact I'm POSITIVE he was kidding. he knows I would never cheat on him. still, that made me pretty upset and I left. he didn't come after me. it hurt.

I wish I had a friend that I could talk to about this. I haven't told Amanda. I want to keep my options open and if she even THINKS I'm considering an abortion she would stop talking to me.

fuck I can't do this alone.
I'm pregnant.
Try to describe yourself in one sentence.
Antisocial, depressing, awkward, unoriginal, boring, shy, pessimistic, unambitious, unimpressive, ugly, too short, too skinny, and dying from cystic fibrosis.

Jul. 21st, 2008

it appears as if I've underestimated Amanda. She's been spending the whole entire day taking care of me. she made me breakfast this morning and got some champagne for mimosas. she's got work at 1 but promised to take me out after. I'm not exactly sure what she has planned but I think I'm gonna like it.

a long night...

so Chris came in to the video store while I was working last night at 9, broke up with me, and just left. I still had to work for another hour it was the longest hour of my life.I took the subway into manhattan and stayed at St. Mark's Place for a while, something I haven't done in a long time. I don't really like st mark's all that much because of all the poser punk kids who live with their mom in Queens that hang out there, but I felt safe there. It was the only place I knew Chris would NEVER be. He hates St. Mark's Place.

I sat in Yaffa Café for a very very very long time. after about three raspberry cocktails it dawned on me that I was still wearing the ring. or more specifically his ring. not an engagement ring. his grandmother's, actually. (I know, it's so disgustingly fairy tale I could puke). he gave it to me for our one year aniversary of being boyfriend and girlfriend. he said he thought that using an engagement ring that someone else bought to propose to someone is a really cheapskate thing to do, but he wanted me to have it, and that when he was ready to propose, he would go out and buy me a ring of my own. it seemed sweet at the time. But sitting there at yaffa looking at it I just wanted to scream.

I took it off and put it in my purse. I could always mail it to Chris's mom being as I had no intention on contacting Chris at all.

one more cocktail and I was ready to go home. At around 1AM I found myself lying face down on the floor of my living room bawling  and slurring to my roommate about how miserable I am and that I'm too pathetic to ever find love.She of course did the usual "you need to put your faith in God and he'll guide you" crap until I screamed at her and told her to give me something real. she said that I should forget about Chris because he was a loser anyway and that I need to stop acting like a loser or I'll end up with more loser boyfriends. That was a little easier to grasp.

I cried for a good 2 hours. Between the crying and the alcohol I was so dehydrated that I thought I would pass out so I drank some water then went to bed until about 5AM where I woke up crying again. Amanda was asleep so I had nobody at all to talk to. I cried for 20 minues and then went back to sleep. I woke up around 8 and had 3 missed calls and a text message. The calls were from Chris, the text was from Chris.

"Ramona, i miss u. call me"
I keep going from feeling okay, to feeling horrible, then irritated, then more horrible, then annoyed, confused, even more horrible, then okay again, then horrible.

fuck this.

Jul. 19th, 2008

I think I need another job. And a hobby to keep me busy. Something to keep me distracted from wondering what Chris is doing 24/7.

Amanda is basically dead set on me going to mass with her. For as crazy as she is part of me envies her for having something solid to rely on.

I'm sick of trying to find new friends. I don't need new people to hang out with. I need something more.
I checked my facebook this morning and had a message from my boyfriend.

sorry for acting like such a jerk these past few days
theres been a lot going on and ive been kind of stressed out
i'm a dick. sorry.

Why do I have this feeling that he's going to break up with me pretty soon?